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Dear Jefferson,
I don't think words could ever describe how much you've meant to me through the years. I honestly can say that you helped me on some of my toughest days by just simply being you and being there to offer me words of encouragement or nice healthy doses of reality. I'm extremely happy that you're happy. Although we all have moved on to new routes (nay, you, me), and although there will be a gap where you fit into my life, I can honestly say that I still feel happy because I got to know you. I hope you will keep in touch sometimes with Nay or I, because it will be nice to know what you're up to. Right now I'm working at PBS, and being extremely studious because I'm graduating this year from college (one year early! Ridiculous!) I have a boyfriend who I met in Germany, we're just having fun (I'm still young right?) and he's coming to visit in a few days so that's exciting. Nay is getting back into the world of boy toys with a new boy (she'll kill me for this) and she's still working out what she wants from life, but she has time, and I have confidence in her that she'll figure it out. Anyway, I wanted to catch you up a bit.
I'll miss you, but I get it. Life is enriched by the people who share it with us, whether for a short amount of time or for the rest of our lives.
Thank you for everything (and really, seriously, try to keep in touch sometimes).
Oodles of Love,
Nicole | | |
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I love life.
Everything about it. From the weird and awkward things to all the good things. I seriously couldn't be happier about the decisions I've been making and I'm gonna continue to keep trying to do better.
Life. Is pretty dang awesome. | | |
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I think I've become incapable of loving someone. Honestly. I keep pushing the guys in my life away. I even find myself telling my mind to not get too attached to friends. I thought I kind of worked through that, but now I think the problem is that I know I'm causing it now and I can't break the habit. I guess you never stop finding things you need to work on.
On a good note, I saw certain members of my extended family and I didn't have a nervous breakdown, nor did I punch someone. To me, that's a great feat. My mother was very proud of me haha. It helped talking to my parents about it, but in ways it didn't because although all the shit we've been through with him has been the same amount of emotional torture my relationships with them before that were completely different than my Mom's, Dad's, and brother's. I don't know how to even start talking to any of them now. And yet again, like before, they don't even really want to talk to me.( I think I have this mechanism wrong with me where I'm just not worth getting to know.) Anyway, the thought of seeing them was plaguing me for a couple weeks and it was actually tolerable (mostly due to nadine and chels...mostly nadine.) One of the things I always find myself doing when I give advice to friends is kind of undermining the fact that they are feeling this way, and yet I don't like it when people do it to me. The thing I've realized is that unless you're in the person's shoes you can't ever tell exactly how things affect someone. I know that it is nonsense to still let the events with them define me, but I can't exactly escape it. It's nice to know though that I won't become a complete mess seeing them.
This whole xanga is so emo man, I should write about all the good stuff but I tell everyone all of that so all that's left worth saying (at least in my own opinion) are my feelings. Honestly, I'm extremely happy, I just have some kinks to work out :)
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I'm so stupid sometimes. And I never seem to be able to say sorry for it.
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I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.
I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.
I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...
When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.
-Missy Higgins "The Special Two"
I'm tried of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people. We make stupid decisions in our lives, and I've made plenty.
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